Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize