I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
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Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
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