now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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