I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
