Already got asked if we're dating
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
