So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
