Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
