Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
