I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
