Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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