My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
