if you like me you must not know who I am
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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