I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
