You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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