Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
