I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
