laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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