"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It's blow job season.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
