Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
