Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
