508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.