I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow