Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.