rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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