last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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