I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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