I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I need to sanitize my soul.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
