if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
