Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
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I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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