If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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