I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The beer is more important than you right now.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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