in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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