My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
