He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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