you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
