Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
