meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My vagina is officially offended.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
