mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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