I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
