I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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