U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
