i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Are my feet made of real feet?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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