a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i was born a porn star she said
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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