I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I think i got beer on your cat.
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