Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
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