Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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