I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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