the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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