that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
