Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
