we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
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I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
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We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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