Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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