I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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