I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
