can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
