Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
