Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
