She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Your cock deserves a montage
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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