i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
