I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
