i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
