omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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