i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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