I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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