my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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