I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Is it penis luge time yet?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
