At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
We just shotgunned beers for America
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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