Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
