The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
